Independence For Children: Do you let your child make their own free choices?

01. What does it mean to raise independent children?​

India is gearing up to commemorate its 77th year of independence this year. Throughout the years, the concept of freedom has transformed evolving contexts, shaping our approaches to the changing world around us. While adults perceive independence diversely depending on circumstances, the notion of independence holds a distinct significance for young children. It resembles the emergence of a butterfly from its cocoon, driven to explore the expansive canvas of life devoid of confines and limitations. So, what does freedom signify for a toddler?

As parents, we struggle with when to let our child make their own choices and when to set limits. Let us see ‘freedom’ from a child’s point of view. Feeling independent gives them confidence and a sense of responsibility in their life. The freedom to try new things is important for learning, where a child’s curiosity grows, and they learn their boundaries. This helps them develop skills like solving problems, thinking creatively, being strong in tough times, and motivating themselves. But for kids this freedom has some rules!

Arshleen Kalra, early year child expert, Head of Academics, KLAY says, “Freedom within limits sets the right foundation for self-awareness, self-reliance, and self–sufficiency. This article will be an effort to bring out ways children can have freedom safely and healthily. We will also look at times when we can help children succeed while still giving them some freedom.”

02. Do you let them explore?​

Young children experience the world through their five senses. Let us look at an example, a fruit basket is not just an assortment of fruits for them, it is an experience of various textures, colors, smells and tastes. They are also exposed to pre-math concepts of heavy, light, or small. They would like to explore by squeezing, peeling, or prodding which develops their fine motor skills.

“Children at this age also explore cause-effect relationships! For example – throwing an object will make a sound, pressing a switch will lighten up the room, kicking will make the ball move or swiping will make the screen move. We need to allow our children to discover and learn on their own. This builds a sense of self and an ‘I can’ attitude. However, we must closely observe them while they are exploring and intervene only if we feel they are engaging in something dangerous which could harm them or others like playing with sharp objects, eating crayons or play dough, exploring electrical points”, says Kalra.

“In such situations assert by small statements like ‘food remains on the plate’ or ‘mobile is not a toy or ‘Mallets are used to play music and not for hitting people or ‘Mind your head/steps’ or ‘Stay away from Fire’ (electricity points) or ‘we sit on the sofa and not jump on it. Young children, especially toddlers, test our boundaries too! The key is to keep reiterating, be patient and convey the same message every time. Sometimes using an affirmative ‘No’ is also important to ensure the child is safe,” she adds.

03. Do you let them learn?​

Children are inquisitive beings and they learn by asking questions. They are at the stage of their lives when they are constantly trying to make sense of the information around them. ‘Why’ is the key word they are developmentally obliged to say. We must respect the ‘Why’ and respond to all the questions they pose to us. This not only helps in developing their cognition levels but also helps them in making positive connections with the environment.

“Let us accept that we are not a living Wikipedia or there could be questions we may not be prepared to respond to immediately. The first rule, we must answer all the questions even if we do not have the appropriate response, the key is to buy time. ‘Paa, why is the ocean blue? Ah! You are learning about oceans…great. Lemme finish making dinner and I will come back to you or be honest and say Paa does not know the answer, let us find it together,” advises Kalra.

Children feel heard and open up better if they are allowed to ask questions. This fosters trust and a positive relationship between children and adults. Any question which we feel is not appropriate also must be dealt with, considering the child’s age and readiness.

04. ​​What they wish to do​

Children like to be hands-on. Allowing them to do things on their own makes them feel in control of their lives. They not only learn to challenge themselves but also understand their boundaries. Observe your child- when they are building bridges/houses out of blocks (do not try to perfect it), when they are trying to eat themselves, be patient and let them try on their own. Eating is a sensory experience which will make them feel satiated.

05. ​​Know when to assist them​

Assisting a child enough is essential but do not overdo it. When children are imitating a doctor and treating you or their toys as patients, enjoy the play and intervene only if the child is using a sharp object as an injection or popping anything un-edible as medicine. One of the life skills we need our children to learn is to ask for help! We must manage the urge to help until asked by a child or if the child wants to engage in activities that are not safe, for e.g., a child who has just learnt to jump/skip one step on a staircase would try to do it with more than one step. Children love to challenge themselves and in situations like this, we need to correct them.

06. How often are they allowed to choose?​

There are many other dimensions of freedom for a young child like freedom to ‘choose.’ This can be overwhelming for a parent. Yes, we must allow children to make conscious choices as this makes them responsible and accountable, however, to ensure the well-being of the child it cannot always be open-ended. For e.g., if a healthy breakfast is a goal, then ask your child to choose between ‘Chapati’ or ‘dosa’ or some other healthy options. If physical activity is the goal, then ask the child to choose from 2 or 3 kinds of physical activity and a video game cannot be an option.

07. ​​Do you trust them enough?​

“Another dimension is the feeling of being ‘trusted’ well, this also stems from allowing our children to take responsibility. Helping in setting up the table, cleaning the car, helping in the classroom etc. makes them feel recognized and encourages them to exercise their freedom positively,” says Kalra.

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